anoyed at

myself. for some reason the green monster, that some refer to as jealousy chased me, put a mask on me, and made me be horrible. i want it to go away. why is it that a perfectly lovely young lady such as myself has to feel insecure? i just want to let go of the negative events of the past, and just learn to fully trust and judge. where has the carefree fun woman gone? she is there somewhere, i would just like her to come out right now. is it that i am sitting for hours by myself working on the computer in solidarity? is it that i am just not satisfied with myself, i have to find the answer. the green monster and i have rarely met before, and so it's all new to me. how to deal with it when it comes. it can be good to ignore it, just for a minute, and then it will leave you alone eventually. learning to not always act on every emotion, every discomfort. it's about others as well, definitely. i know this, i have so much love to give, but when the monster comes around i am someone that i cannot stand. i want to be young free and beautiful. so i will get my monster poison out. so here is to a fresh start and remembering that i am beautiful and fun and there are many other beautiful people in the world.

had to let that out, somewhere

In past months, I have been running away from myself. Or from something-not sure what though. Making excuses for everything. Emotional issues, all the pain that I have been running away from since high school is right in my face now. Now that I have decided to stay in the same City for at least one year. A big step for me. I don't know what it is, I am so in love, but the other parts of my life just aren't living up to their standards. I am only steps away from finally getting my business degree, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I keep feeling sorry for myself, being sad and being dramatic. I have been a train wreck. I don't know what the issue is? Lonely, that must be it. So now I am looking for a new apartment in a more exciting part of the city, the idea behind that being that I can then partake in social events, maybe find a saucy tango dance class to take, some yoga, and be surrounded by more people. Perhaps, I will find a little inspiration here? I would be closer to the place where I like to play piano. Everything would be better. I actually think that would solve my problem. I love people, that is my strength is charming the socks of others, or maybe it's just because I am so damn nice to look at? However, I need to finish my school, switch apartments, get passionate, move to Berlin......4 steps. I want to also enjoy the present moment. I can't stand to be in a state of unhappiness, because I am lonely and sit alone in front of my PC all day with no real human interaction. Up and down my mood goes, side to side my emotions flare up. I can hardly stand myself. Spiritual enlightment, fulfillment is what I need. Yoga will help me find that. But there is more. I need more I am hungry for something- and I have no idea what it is. I must remember to continue my school. I will mark my progress everyday. Because what i have accomplished int he past few months, is nothing but embarrassing. So close but yet so far.